Ok. we are digging in.
I recently posted the above question on my Instagram….
The overwhelming average was 2-3. And I was shocked, not that the average was 2-3 but at how many responses it got. I ask questions and do polls all the time. This was by far the most answered.
It seemed. To touch a nerve.
A nerve I’m going to talk about.
Loneliness. Exclusion. A feeling you cannot sit at the table with others. Seeing posts on social media of groups of women getting together. Brunching. Vacationing. Thinking. Why don’t I have that? I want that.
Do they really have THAT tho? How many in that group of 20 would look around and when they had to really think about it. How many of the others ARE REALLY their ride or dies? Could trust them with everything and anything no judgements. Based on my poll. Maybe 2 or 3. The rest. Just lots of frosting on a small cake. It’s. A facade.
Let’s go back tho. The ladies brunching social media posts over the last couple of years have become less. Cause…… (and furthering the feeling of loneliness.) During these past two years in person things have greatly fallen to the wayside for the most part. We are all stuck in these boxes.
Our home. A box.
Our offices. A box.
Our kids in school. In a box.
Holidays. Boxed up.
Social media. Literal. Boxes.
Tiny squares we scroll on through.
Que the weeds theme song.
It’s hard. It was already hard. Friendships I mean. The last couple of years have made it HARDER! Many of us find ourselves needing to retreat. Protect our spaces. Our mental and emotional spaces. When we need to retreat. We should. And we shouldn’t worry that our adult friends will drop us. Cause.
Adult friendships should be easy!
My God. We all lived through the middle and high school drama already. And many of us are trying to help our teen daughters navigate those waters now. Shouldn’t we be past all of that?
So, why are adult friendships sometimes... not so easy???
Shouldn’t friendships in our 30s and 40s be a bit smoother? Have better communication and understanding?
Let’s set aside ride or dies, for a second, and just talk about general female friendships.
Why can we not sit in silence?
Or proverbial silence on social media and not have it seem weird. “Why is she so quiet? Where has she been? She was in her stories but…….”
Sometimes that’s asked out of concern. Sometimes. Something more malicious. The talking happens inside a circle. “I dunno she’s been weird for a while” “well I heard this is going on” “she said this and it made me believe xyz is happening” “I heard her husband is cheating on her” “I heard she cheated” “I think she’s going through a mid life crisis” “she hasn’t replied to my texts at all. Screw her”
My mother raised me with the saying. “No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.” I try my hardest to live by that. Because I know damn sure, as I have posted before, very very few people know the intimate details of my life and even those who do know. It’s because I told them. They only know what I have said. My side of it in words not the actual emotion of inside my head and home. They were not here to experience it.
Before we assume. Before we judge. How about a text that reads “you don’t have to reply. But I’m thinking of you. You’ve been quiet and I just want you to know. I love you and I’m here for you”
And then, here’s the most important part,
do NOT go talk about your friend behind their back. Unless it’s a case of. “Hey she’s been quite. I’m worried about her. I want to send her some flowers, cookies, an edible arrangement. Something to let her know I’m thinking of her. Wanna go in on it together?”
I see so much go on inside friendships. The fact that I see it on the outside is part of the problem. We are adults. We are trying to raise our kids to be better. We should be better as well.
A few pretty simple things is all it takes....
If a friend tells you something in confidence. And you want to be that ride or die….. rule one of the ride or die club…… Don’t. Repeat something you are told in confidence to anyone else. Unless of course it’s something dangerous. Someone could actually die. Then go ahead and call the proper authorities. But if no one is going to die. Zip it. Seriously.
If you draw pause from what they say, if the conversation is making you uncomfortable, tell them. How they receive the news from you that you’re not comfortable with the information or topic is on them. Don’t put yourself in a position where you’re being confided in but you don’t really want the information that’s given. It always ends badly. So speak up and stop it from happening.
Don’t talk about them behind their backs. If you have an issue. Concern. Tell them. Straight out. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Unless of course you’re willing to throw the friendship completely away. If you’re talking about her. Chances are pretty high someone is going to talk about you and it’s going to get back to her. Insert; hurt, betrayal, misunderstandings. It’s a whole mess. And adult friendships should not be this hard.
Be ok in silence. People get BUSY. We have kids, jobs, husbands, businesses, field trips, illness, messy homes that need to be cleaned and a never ending cycle of laundry. We are all busy. Be understanding when someone goes quiet. Sometimes they’re just busy. Sometimes they’re working something out. Sometimes they can’t talk about what they’re going through and it’s consuming them. Not being able to talk about something that’s all consuming makes all other conversations feel hard. Be understanding. When they come up for air and send you a GiF that’s funny. Laugh at it and continue on like no time has past.
If you’re the one going quiet. Don’t blow people off completely. If you made plans. A quick text to say “I’m sorry I can’t” goes a long way. If you have made a commitment. Either pull up your boot laces and abide by that commitment or have the decency to cancel appropriately.
If friendship starts to hurt. Know that it shouldn’t and you deserve better. If you’re living by the above and someone else is not. It’s ok to walk away. Sometimes that’s really hard. Especially if you’re a giver. In these instances my favorite quotes holds true. “You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm”
All relationships take work.
But more than anything. They take trust, respect, understanding and boundaries.
I have seen and had friendships be destroyed, forever altered, due to all of the above. Sometimes, sure, it’s a blessing disguised as drama. It’s an, exfoliation. Removing toxic people and relationships in your life is not a bad thing. People grow, and change. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes. You have grown and you have just outgrown them. It’s ok. It’s ok to work on yourself and realize the people surrounding you are no longer your people. Mostly it’s because one person has outgrown all of the above and the other has not. It’s ok to walk away from people that hurt you.
We should all be working on ourselves. Our relationships. Keeping that respect. That understanding and trust.
Also. Sometimes, when you get the courage to walk away from the toxic people, or they walk away from you...... You may feel a little lonely, lost and wonder if you made the right choice. Hold steady. Loneliness should never be used as an excuse to let someone who hurts you back in.
These exits are just life’s way of making room for the people you deserve to come into your life. And they will come. They’re out there. Be open to them.
We can all do better.
Be better.
No. Not everyone is always going to get along. Not everyone is always going to agree. But if we all choose to lead with love and respect for one another. I believe we can move away from adult friendships being so damn hard.
So many of us are just downright lonely.
We work.
We have kids.
Our schedules are not our own.
We lack sleep, sometimes we lack showers.
We are all just doing the best we can to get through the everyday.
Having good friendships with respect for one another makes these days and times easier.
Not EVERY SINGLE one of your friends will fall into the “ride or die” category”. And that is ok! We have friends we can go for a drink with and laugh and tell our watered down stories to. We have friends we can go shopping with. We have friends we chat with via text, social media, our kids friends moms that become our friends too. And then - we have our ride or dies.
I can tell you through my own 46 years on this planet - I had people I “thought’ were my ride or dies, only to find out, noooooot so much.
Friendship is like dating. You think you have found the one, then they go and do something stupid, something hurtful, something you thought they would never. Sometimes this ends the friendship because the betrayal is too hard to recover from. This varies for every person and their level of acceptable behavior. But one thing I have found to be true. Once the betrayal happens from someone you really thought was your ride or die. They never get put in that category again. If you are smart that is. Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice…. Shame on me.
Many who answered my question on IG said - or made a point to say - that one of their ride or dies they had been friends with since childhood. And that, well that is amazing. But if you are not one of those people - don’t feel like there is somehow something wrong with you. Some of my CLOSEST friends, and two that fall into that ride or die category - I didn’t meet until my late 30s and they don’t even live anywhere near me. I am lucky if I get to see them in person once a year. We didn’t TRY to become each others ride or dies. It just, happened.
And there is NOTHING wrong with your husband being your only ride or die. My non husband and I have been together for almost 21 years. We have seen some shit. We have had really hard times. We have had really great times. We have had moments of “I dunno if we are going to last”. But I can tell you EVEN IN THOSE MOMENTS OF NOT KNOWING IF WE WERE GOING TO MAKE IT - he has always had my back. I mean we have seen days where he probably hated me with every fiber of his being. But then someone came at me, to hurt me somehow, and he was right there standing in front of me saying “not today satan”. In those moments I always knew. He was the one. When you literally are ready to say we are done and then they go and have your back despite your own personal shit. Things like that I believe made us scratch and claw our way to stick it out. Made us know.
And lastly, if you said zero. Or if you missed my questions and poll on IG but are reading this now thinking - zero, I have zero ride or dies. You can be your own ride or die until the true ones come through. And they will. I promise you, they will. And really, aren’t we all our own anyways? We should be.
Here’s to working on better communication with all the friends in our life no matter what category they fall into. To less unwelcome, unneeded and damn necessary drama. We are way, way, way too old for it! To not feeling like we “have no friends” because we only have 2 ride or dies or one and it’s our husbands or mom.
Homework for today - tell your ride or die that they are, say thank you for being my person. Say it JUST BECAUSE! Oh, and one more, step out and pay one person a compliment today. One person you know thats not necessarily a ride or die but someone you admire, like, bond with or want to. Watch the smile come across their face or their reply be an “OMG thank you so much”. Unasked for compliments can make or break someone else day.
Finally, let’s all just try to be better humans these days.
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